I didn’t want to be gay. When I read Glennon’s book and she said that the truth was she had always been more attracted to women her whole life—my stomach dropped. I knew. But I didn’t want to say anything and honestly, I didn’t know how. How was I going to tell my significant other that after telling him I was Bi and Pan, or whatever I thought at the time, that no, actually, I was gay. There was no way he was going to believe me. And he didn’t. To be honest, I wasn’t able to believe me yet, either.

I didn’t want to be gay and I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting this or choosing this. Choosing this was going to mean tearing apart my family. Breaking everyone’s hearts. Making a broken home for my kids-something I swore I wouldn’t do to my kids because I knew how that felt as a child and I was not going to give them my same childhood experience. But Glennon answered that too. She said that women have been martyring themselves for their children for centuries and that maybe what our children need most is to see us live our most beautiful and true lives. Shit.

I had a plan. I was going to wait until after the kids were in college and then I could leave their dad. I didn’t know I had this plan and yet, here it was. In my face. It was like some silent back-room contract that I didn’t fully understand I had signed, and put in a vault inside my heart. It was a gift I would give myself…. later. But, here it was in my face right now: “I don’t have to wait.” Glennon was telling me that it’s okay to have the life that I want to have. right. this. minute. I could try dating a girl. I had permission. Glennon gave me permission. Holy Shit. Arising within me was a ball as large as the sun radiating inside my chest and I felt as though I may burst with joy just at the possibility of dating a woman.

Immediately followed by, “No!” “I don’t want to be gay. No, No, please! Please, God, please tell me this isn’t true. Please don’t let me be gay!” “I DON’T WANT TO BE GAY!!” (Pause)

I had no idea the depth of my homophobia until these moments of refusal. One thing the news and movies and tv shows don’t talk about is the rampant homophobia among gay people. We grow up in the same society that tells us that we are wrong. That we don’t belong. That being gay is bad. So when confronted with the possibility that gay is happening to me, I, like so many others, realize that I am afraid to be gay because being gay is ‘wrong’. Being gay is ‘different’. Being gay is not welcome in our society. I will no longer be ‘welcome’ in my society. I don’t wanna be gay. Because then I am just like those other gay people. All those other gay people who are not accepted, loved, or treated like people. I will forever after belong to the misfits, the discarded, the forgotten, and the abused. No one chooses this. You know what I choose? Happiness. And being gay, is what makes me happy.

Being gay is suddenly the thing that makes me beautiful. Because I now belong to a community of the brave. A community that has faced atrocities and contempt and has continued to support each other and help each other shine and “speak truth to bullshit” as Brene Brown says. I suddenly realize that I belong to a group of warriors and now I can see that the gay community is full of the bravest and most beautiful people in our society. And I am so proud and grateful to belong here.

I attempted to tip toe around my being gay for the next two years. I tried to ease my way into being gay. After forty-two years, I didn’t want to rush it. I asked my significant other, if he would give me consent to use a dating app so I could try and find a woman to start dating. I assured him that he was in control. If, at any point, he was uncomfortable with me dating a woman, all he had to do was to tell me and I would stop immediately. Lucky for me, he consented….until it made him uncomfortable…